Secrets
by MillaMayhem
Summary: Secrets lie everywhere some expected and some not. What did Olivia and Fin talk about? Is what Elliot assumes true? Can Olivia patch up the forever growing holes in her life? Can Cragen keep his detectives in line? FIND OUT!
1. Fury

A/N Towhom it may concern,

MillaMayhem here this ismy first Svu fic so any comments wouldbe highly appreciated:)

* * *

**Chapter one**

**Fury**

**

* * *

**

Apartment of Detective Olivia Benson

17/4, 6:45 am

* * *

_Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Olivia just rolled over hoping that maybe just maybe her alarm would stop so she could sleep.

It didn't.

Olivia hazily rolled back over and pulled out its plug.

Sitting up she realised how much more dishevelled her bed was than the morning before.

If only she could say that it was like that because of Elliot.

* * *

These recurrent nightmares weren't unusual for Olivia,

She'd had them for as long as she could remember.

It was as though a dark cloud had rained over her life continuously from the moment she was born.

If there was she couldn't blame it, I mean she was the child of a rapist.

Why would it give her a good life and not someone else?

She pushed the thoughts into the back of her mind.

If only they'd stay locked away there but she knew they'd be back tonight just like every other.

* * *

Manhattan Special victims

17/4, 8:15 am

* * *

Olivia rushed through the door and jumped on her seat so fast that she almost fell off.

Elliot looked a little puzzled.

"Where have you been sleeping beauty?"

The chuckles of Munch and Fin could be heard from across the room.

Olivia barley even had time to make a comeback before she was called into Cragens office.

Assuming that it was not of a great deal of importance she went about sorting herself out first.

"Olivia now!" Bellowed Cragen.

* * *

Olivia quietly shut the office door behind her.

"You wanted to speak with me Captain?"

"Did I say _you_ could speak?"

His voice was harsh and his eyes were focused on some paperwork that resided on his desk.

Olivia stood quietly awaiting orders, A little taken back by Cragens tone.

"You're late _again."_

Was this really all his problem was!?

I'd just gotten caught up thinking a few days in a row.

Was that such a crime?

Olivia stood biting her lip for a few seconds pondering what to say.

"Well."

"I'm sorry Captain it won't happen again."

"Olivia with the way this is going and the budget cuts I'm needing to make some harsh decisions…"

Cragens voice softened and he made eye contact.

"If you don't start pulling your weight in this case I'm going to need to take you off it."

"So you're?"

"No, or at least not yet and I don't want to either."

Olivia's heart pumped with adrenaline.

Adrenaline fuelled by fear and fury.

* * *

Fin had been standing outside Cragens office waiting for Olivia so he could tell her about a new development on the underpass rapist.

In doing so he'd heard everything that was said.

He stood for a moment confused.

Should he stay and wait for her or try to get as far away as possible to avoid her wrath?

* * *

Olivia was infuriated.

She may have been late for a few days but she still knew every detail about the case.

Olivia was the one who met their latest victim Amelia at the hospital after her attack.

Just last week Olivia had held Amelia's hand in court.

How was she not pulling her own weight!?

Determined not to let her anger get the better of her in front of Cragen she walked out.

* * *

Fin had retreated to the safety of the lift about 5 minutes before Olivia came storming out.

Deciding she may need a little time alone he went to I.D the body alone…


	2. Confusion

**Chapter two**

**Confusion**

**Manhattan morg**

**Office of Doctor Melinda Warner**

**17/4, 9:26 am**

"Hey Doc'"

Fin said cheerily as he knocked on the side of the wall.

"Just a second"

Fin walked into the morg only to see M.E Warner examining an eyeball.

"Talk about eye contact"

Fin chuckled.

"This might take a while so help yourself Fin"

Melinda looked up and smiled motioning to a body in the corner of the room.

Fin's gut turned the minute he saw her face.

It was Amelia.

"How'd you link her to us?"

"I believe she had Olivia's card in her pocket. Speaking of which where is Olivia?

Aren't you two partners at the moment?"

Fin hesitated unsure of how much he should say.

"She's helping Elliot with some paperwork." Fin muttered.

**Manhattan Special victims**

**17/4, 9:35am**

Olivia sat on the roof of her precinct.

Fin had told her about Amelia's death a little over five minutes ago.

When he called she'd been out on the roof venting all her pent up anger.

What Cragen said was uncalled for she knew that or maybe she just hoped she was right.

Munch and Elliot had heard the ruckus from downstairs and soon became worried about Olivia.

Elliot stood up and away from his desk.

"You going to check on Liv'?"

"Yeh."

Munch went back to his work figuring that Elliot was her partner and he'd know her better than anyone.

Elliot walked up the stairwell only to find blood marks on the wall.

"Wow…" He muttered.

Olivia had hit that wall pretty hard.

Elliot continued up the steps and opened the stairwell door as quietly as he could.

Olivia was sitting inside the corner of a ledge crying.

Her brown hair wisped about her face and bloodied knuckles.

"What are you doing here El'?" She whispered.

"Munch and I could hear you from downstairs…" Elliot replied while slowly moving closer to the sobbing girl.

"Liv'. Are you O.K?"

When she didn't reply Elliot moved so that he was sitting on the ledge next to her.

Olivia's hair was sticking to her face from the salty tears that flowed from her deep brown eyes.

Elliot stoked her hair from her face and put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Olivia stood up and instantly twirled around just as fast.

"Elliot!"

He was puzzled. What did he do wrong?

"I don't want you here. Just leave me the fuck alone!"

"But Liv'?"

"Go!"

Elliot sat at his desk pretending to focus on some paperwork when really all he could think about was Olivia.

When he had stroked her hair the scent of fresh apples had made their way onto his hands.

That was just one of the things he loved about her.

Although he was technically still with Kathy he'd always had feelings for Olivia.

As far as he knew she had feelings for him to…

So why did she push him away?

Fin walked off the elevator and into the squad room.

"Where's Liv'?"

Munch looked at Elliot awkwardly before mumbling…

"She's on the roof."

Fin was already worried.

He knew Olivia better than people thought he did but it was just common knowledge that she went up to the roof when she was upset.

This time he couldn't blame her after what the captain had said.

Olivia had worked harder than anyone on this case only to be told that she wasn't pulling her weight.

"I'm gonna' go and check on her."

"Well be careful." Munch chuckled.

"She threw Elliot out on his arse about 20 minutes ago."

Elliot gave Munch "The don't fuck with me." Look.

Munch and Elliot waited eagerly for Fin's footsteps against the floor.

They didn't come.

Neither did the sound of Olivia's screaming.

"Hey El'. What do you thinks going on up there?"

Elliot shrugged his shoulders.

Another 10 minutes passed before Fin came back down the stairs.

Elliot's stare could have pierced through steel at what he saw.

Olivia's slender fingers were wrapped around Fin's hand.

**A/N- Muhahahahaaha**


	3. Jealousey

**Chapter three**

**Jealousy**

**Apartment of detective Olivia Benson**

**20/4 , 11:58pm**

It'd been about 4 days since she'd been on the rooftop with Fin.

She'd always known Fin as a good friend but now he was more than that.

Olivia felt as though she had complete confidence in him.

She'd told him things no-one else would ever know about her.

Not even Elliot…

She made herself a sandwich and changed into her tank and undies.

She crawled under the covers hoping her nightmares would subside.

They didn't.

**Manhattan special victims**

**21/4 , 10:03am**

Elliot decided that there had been enough secrets about the day on the rooftop.

Olivia was acting so strange around Fin.

Then it hit him…

He was jealous.

The thought made him chuckle.

Fin had nothing on him…

Did he?

He was going to find out.

"Hey Fin."

Fin turned around in the corridor to see Elliot.

"What's up El'?"

Now was the perfect time to confront Fin because Olivia was out getting lunch.

"I was just wondering what happened on the rooftop. Is Olivia o.k?"

Fin went a little pale.

"Uhm yeh she's ahhh… fine. Why wouldn't she be?"

Elliot was getting irritated.

"Well lets see. She threw a decent amount of fucking punches at the wall!"

Elliot calmed himself.

"What did you guys even talk about up there?"

"Sorry El' but that's between me and Liv'"

Calm gone.

"I'm her partner Fin I think I have a right to know!"

"Well I'm her friend and I have a right to say you don't!"

That was the last straw.

Olivia strode off the lift.

Mushu pork and noodles in one are and coffee in the other.

When she looked around the corridor she saw Elliot on top of Fin.

Needless to say the pork and coffee were already pools on the floor.

Elliot was viciously throwing punches at Fins bruised and bloody face.

Fin was just trying to hold him back.

Olivia tried to break it up and in turn got elbowed in the rib by Elliot as he was throwing punches.

Cragen and 3 other detectives came running to the scene to help Olivia up and to pry Elliot off Fin.

When they finally removed Elliot from the room Olivia sat by Fins side awaiting medics.

Olivia had tears welling in her eyes as fin slowly opened his to look at her.

"What you crying for baby girl I'm fine."

Olivia smiled.

"You don't half look it."

Fin started feeling light headed so just before he slipped back to a state of unconsciousness he whispered…

"Don't worry Liv' I didn't tell him anything…."


	4. Nightmares

**A/N—Hey all' I hope you's like it cos I don't really but I'm trying to make it jucier so be prepared for maximum juice :D**

**P.S make sure you read the dates and times!**

**P.P.S btw for whoever hasn't caught on Olivia's nightmares are part of the storyi'll explain what there about in a flashback this chapter.**

**p.p.p.s bold italics indicate a memory or a dream**

**Manhattan public hospital**

**21/4 , 10:00am**

It was scary being with Fin when he looked like this.

He had a laceration and a bruise on his forehead as well as a bruise on his cheek.

Apart from that the doctor said he'd suffered only 2 broken ribs.

He was lucky when Elliot was mad his rage was uncontrollable.

I of all people knew that.

So did his wife that's why she kept threatening to leave him.

It was times like this when I wished I could say that he deserves it.

But I can't.

I know why.

Fin knows why.

I wish he knew why…

**Manhattan special victims**

**21/4 , 12:21pm**

Was I a good captain?

I mean my two best detectives are becoming my two worst…

Olivia's been late everyday for about a month and her work has been slipping drastically even if the others don't notice it.

This is not like her.

Elliot.

Don't even get me started on Elliot.

He almost killed Fin the other day.

They all think that I don't know what's going on just because I'm not there but the thing is that they're my detectives and it's my precinct.

Cragen let out a sigh.

The precinct was quieter than usual or maybe it was just his office.

"The days not even over and it's already been too long."

**Apartment of detective Olivia benson**

**21/4 , 12:36pm**

Elliot paced the corridor outside Olivia's apartment.

He knew he shouldn't be there.

Olivia wouldn't want him around after what he did.

The truth was Elliot loved Olivia.

He loved he more than anything in the world.

When Olivia was around it was like Kathy and the kids didn't even exist.

He knew that sounded bad but it was the truth.

Elliot knew he had a temper.

He'd many a time hurt others with it including Olivia…

He stopped pacing and sat down in front of her door, placing his head in his hands.

He let his jealousy get the best of him.

The elevator dinged open and he scuffled to his feet.

I walked out of the elevator and into the corridor.

"Hey Fin I'm kinda at my apartment now so I gotta go but I'll come see you again tomorrow."

Olivia hung up the phone and then looked up to see Elliot standing at her door staring at her.

"Elliot!"

"I'm sorry Liv' I know you don't want to see me." He said as he moved closer.

She just stood.

He came up to her so she stepped back but to her dismay was trapped when she hit the wall.

Elliot came even closer with a worried look on his face.

She felt trapped now, her nightmares coming alive…

"_**Get off me please…"**_

Next thing she new she felt Elliot's hand on her shoulder.

She tensed.

"L…Liv' what's wrong?"

"Don't touch me…"

He stood back red faced.

She just stood glued to the wall unable to look him in the eye.

"What the fuck is going on Olivia!"

"Fi…"

"Fin I should have known!"

Olivia was confused what did he think was going on with her and Fin?

When she finally looked up Elliot was already storming down the hallway.

Olivia stood for a few moments before quietly making her way to her apartment.

Once inside she had a shower and then jumped into bed.

_**She yelped as her back was slammed against the brick wall.**_

_**With one hand he held a knife to her throat and with the other he trailed his hand up and under her shirt to her breast.**_

_**She tried to imagine she was anywhere but there.**_

_**He tried to kiss her but she moved her head away in return she had her head bashed against the wall.**_

_**She cried as he shoved his tongue into her mouth.**_

_**All of a sudden he was pulling down her pants.**_

"_**No…no please no…" she pleaded.**_

"_**Shut up bitch!"**_

_**He undid his fly and pulled out his penis.**_

"_**No please you can take my wallet just not that…"**_

_**It was too late.**_

_**He shoved himself inside her, with each thrust pushing her harder against the wall.**_

_**With each whimper he let escape her lips he took a tiny piece of her.**_

_**With one final thrust he came.**_

_**She sobbed as he did up his pants.**_

_**He kissed her one last time before shoving her back into the wall.**_

_**She sunk to the ground in shaky sobs…**_


	5. Hell to pay

**A/N—hey I was gonna' post this chapter as like 2-3 separate ones as a cliff hanger but I thought you all deserved a nice long super juicy chapter since I went away for a while (sorry about that****)**

**Well i hope this makes up for it even though a million people are gonna hate this chapter hehehe…**

**Tell me what you think…**

***WARNING***

**This contains scenes that may be disturbing to some readers so I advise you to read with discretion…**

The next two months went slowly for everyone.

Cragen had put Olivia on desk duty for being late so many times.

Elliot had been suspended for one of those months because of what he did to Fin.

Fin stayed in hospital getting a visit from Olivia almost every day.

Elliot practically ignored Olivia and occasionally went out of his way to stuff things up for her, like occasionally giving her the colder coffee or making sure she had all the crime scene reports to do.

Olivia had been working 3 days straight so that she wouldn't have to sleep.

Every time she closed her eyes she saw him.

She couldn't escape him or what happened and she hated it.

It killed her to think that she was… a victim.

**Special victims unit**

**15/6 , 10:51am**

Olivia sat at her desk awaiting Fin's return.

Every so often she'd turn to look at Elliot and occasionally he'd be looking at her too.

The tension was thick between the two of them so the minute they heard the elevator ding Olivia practically jumped out of her seat and sprinted into the corridor, this caused her to slip.

Fin jumped out of the elevator and caught Liv's head before it hit the hard floor.

"I'm not even back five minutes and I've already saved you from a concussion." Fin chuckled.

Olivia couldn't help but smile.

She sat up a bit so that she was lying in his arms.

Elliot walked out into the corridor to see what was going on.

He instantly tensed, let his face redden at what he saw.

Olivia slowly stood up as Fin tried to help her keep her balance.

She lost her footing and once again fell back into him.

"What are you drunk Benson?"

"Boy I hope not." Chuckled Cragen as he entered the corridor.

Olivia quickly stood up and noticed Elliot storming out.

"Happy too see your well again Fin." Cragen said as he shook Fins hand.

"Good to be back sir."

Cragen left and Fin turned to Olivia.

"What's Elliot's problem? I mean I know he hates me and all now but…"

Fin let out a sigh.

"Welcome back Fin." Olivia smiled at him before heading back to her desk.

**11:21pm**

It'd been a long day.

The captain had left at 9 to go to a meeting and said that he wouldn't be back till tomorrow afternoon.

Munch had left Fin with all the paperwork claiming that he was now well enough to make it up to him for leaving him partnerless for 2 months.

So now it was just Olivia, Elliot and Fin.

"Finally…" Olivia sighed while slamming down the last of her now finished reports.

"I still have 2 more to go." Fin grumbled.

Elliot didn't even look up.

"I'm wrecked so I think I'm gonna go take a nap in the crib."

"I'll probably come join you once I finish these." Fin yawned.

"Well not that anyone cares but I'll be back in a few. I'm gonna go get some food." Elliot mumbled.

"What was that Elliot."

Elliot just grumbled and walked out with his jacket.

Olivia looked at Fin and shrugged before heading to the bathroom.

Once there she turned on the tap and splashed her face with the water.

"God I need to sleep…"

She slid her jacket off her shoulders and then her shirt over her head.

She pulled her pants off before folding all her clothes into a neat pile and placing them on the counter.

She slowly moved her eyes form her face all the way down the length of her body.

She looked at her eyes.

Inside them she saw something missing.

She wondered if everyone else could see it too.

She looked at her toned, flat stomach underneath her tight black tank.

Her eyes wondered lower.

When she looked at her thighs she cringed.

The bruises were still highly visible.

She turned away as small tears began to well in her eyes with only a few sliding down her cheeks.

"What's wrong with me…"

She gathered her clothes before checking if anyone was in the corridor.

Upon realising that no-one was there she quietly slipped into the cribs.

She picked a bed in the middle of the room before placing her clothes in a messy heap at the bottom.

She looked at them and considered folding them again but then realised that she was just stalling.

She slipped beneath the covers knowing that sleep would claim her weakened body easily.

All she wanted was to sleep without seeing his face.

Without feeling him inside her.

Without having to be reminded that she was too weak to defend herself…

Before sleep claimed her she let a tiny tear escape her tired eyes.

**O'malley's bar**

**15/6 , 11:45pm**

A beer.

That's all I need Elliot thought to himself.

"One beer please."

The bartender handed him a frothy beer.

Elliot chugged it down before asking for another.

He decided that a few beers would subside his hunger…among other things.

**Special victims unit**

**16/6 , 1:19am**

"Victory." Fin yawned.

He'd finally finished all his paperwork.

"I think I've earned myself a nice nap."

The precinct was quiet.

Elliot was still out at god knows where and Olivia had headed to the cribs almost two hours ago.

Fin stood up and pushed in his chair.

He walked down the hallway and into the cribs.

He saw Olivia sleeping peacefully.

Fin smiled at her.

He wandered over and tucked the blanket around her shoulders before wandering over to a bed at the end of the room.

He took off everything except his boxers and slid into the bed.

He was glad to see that Olivia was actually asleep for once.

Since that day on the rooftop they'd grown infinitely closer.

Olivia was like the little sister that he never had.

That's why he wanted to kill the basted that hurt her.

When Cragen got pissed at her for being late she only got upset because she didn't have the guts to tell him why she'd been late.

She'd only pushed Elliot away because she couldn't handle the man she loved seeing how weak she really was.

The truth is…Olivia is the strongest woman I know.

She'd only pulled me closer because she needed someone.

When Liv' told me she'd been raped my stomach turned.

I couldn't believe that someone had hurt our baby girl without us knowing.

When she broke down in my arms that day I told her that we should tell Cragen but she insisted that she was fine.

So against my better judgement I decided that she could face it when she was ready.

I told her I would be there for her no matter what she needed.

I know that when she's ready she'll talk.

On the roof she told me about the nightmares she'd been having along with some of the sleepless nights that'd accompany it.

That's why she'd been late lately.

She couldn't sleep and when she did she'd see his face.

If only I could see it.

I'd kill him.

I know she loves Elliot and that's why she couldn't tell him.

She couldn't break his heart.

At the moment with the way he's acting he's breaking hers…

Fin turned over in his bed to look at her for a short moment before turning back the other way.

Who would want to hurt her?

He chuckled quietly to himself.

Lots of people really.

She was a cop. A good one at that.

Still the thought that someone would lay a hand on her angered him.

Just as he was about to close his eyes he heard violent screams coming from across the room.

Fin bolted upright and looked over at Olivia.

She was screaming and thrashing around.

He ran to her and attempted to hold her close as her deafening screams filled the room.

"Liv'…Liv' honey it's me."

I tried to sooth the still thrashing woman.

"No please…please no…" Olivia whimpered.

Slowly she stopped thrashing.

She started crying instead.

I pulled her close trying to do all I could to comfort her.

"I'm sorry Fin…"

"Don't be sorry Liv' I'm here for you." I whispered as I rubbed her back.

She nuzzled her head into my chest.

"Liv'…"

"Yeh Fin?"

"Do you want m to leave?"

"No please stay."

"O.K."

I pulled the covers back over her.

"You'll get cold put them on you too."

She draped the blanket over me.

Within a few minutes she was asleep.

I pushed the hair off her face before doing the same.

**2:02am**

After a few drinks and some bar peanuts I decided that it wasn't worth heading back to an empty house.

The crib would be good enough for tonight.

I stumbled up the stairs of the precinct before entering a room full of unoccupied desks.

I walked down the hallway and stopped at the door of the cribs.

I was just about to open the door when I saw it.

Olivia's clothes were in a heap on the floor.

Fins arm was draped around her.

She was nuzzled into his chest.

Elliot clenched his fists.

"I knew it."

He walked out of the precinct and into his car.

"I need another drink."

He turned the ignition and sped away to the closest open bar.


	6. Clouded eyes

**A/N—sorry I mixed the warning up lol**

**It's meant for this chapter.**

**So…**

**WARNING**

**Contains scenes that may be disturbing to some readers.**

…

**Special victims precinct.**

**16/6, 8:00am**

I awoke in the crib alone.

Some part of me was glad.

It meant that it may not have happened.

Then Fin walked into the cribs with coffee in hand.

Damn it did happen.

"Hey Liv' do you feel better?"

"Yeah…um thanks I'm so sorry about last night."

He handed me the hot coffee and I took a sip letting the liquid warm my insides.

"Don't be sorry that's what friends are for." He said smiling.

Right now I couldn't have a better big brother.

He sat next to me on the bed and handed me my jeans.

I slid them on and grabbed my blue button up and placed that on as well.

"Liv'…"

I looked at him with concern.

Fin rarely used a soft tone.

"We need to tell Cragen. I can't do it for you but…"

I cut him off by putting my hand on his shoulder.

"I think I'm ready."

…

I walked out of the cribs with my coffee while Fin got some things from his locker.

I sat at my desk before realising that Elliot hadn't come in today.

I looked around and couldn't see him.

All of a sudden he walked out of Cragen's office.

Cragen didn't look too impressed while Elliot had a sly grin on his face.

When Fin walked out of the cribs and over to me Elliot had already left.

"Olivia! Fin! MY office. NOW!" Bellowed Cragen.

Fin and I jumped from our seats and in to his office.

…

For a while he just paced his office every so often glaring at us.

Fin nor I dared to speak.

"I'm sure you're both aware that office relationships are not condoned."

Fin and I looked at each other oddly.

Cragen stopped to stare at Fin then at me.

"Well spit it out then." Cragen said impatiently.

"I'm sorry sir but I don't know what you're talking about."

I was serious.

"Are you two sleeping together?"

I almost spat out my coffee.

"NO!" Fin and I shouted in unison.

"What would make you think that? She's like my sister sir!"

"Sir who told you this!"

Cragen looked relieved.

"I'm sorry but I can't say."

Then it hit me.

I exchanged a knowing glance with Fin.

Elliot.

He must have seen us in the cribs together last night.

God he was stupid.

Couldn't he see that I loved him!

…

Elliot didn't come back.

He probably knew that if he did I'd give him an earful.

Fin left in the afternoon to go see Ken.

Munch got sick and left and then everyone else slowly followed until I was the only one in the precinct.

…

**11:52pm**

I was finally ready to sleep in my own bed again.

I'd tell Cragen about what happened tomorrow but for now I just wanted to sleep in my own bed.

My footsteps pattered quietly on the hard floor of the locker room.

It was dead silent.

My locker opened with a creak and all of my things fell out on to the floor.

As I felt around in the dark for my handbag and its contents I heard footsteps behind me.

I tensed.

"He…Hello?" My voice was shaky as I couldn't help but feel the same fear I'd felt in the alleyway.

_The night was dark, serene…peaceful._

_The stars could be seen tonight even over the glow of light pollution._

_A perfect night._

_So caught up in my own peaceful thoughts I didn't hear them come up behind me…_

"How could you do this to me Olivia?" Said a deep husky voice.

I scrambled to my feet and turned around.

I saw nothing but darkness.

The only light was the small flicker of moonlight that shone through the window.

I blinked so that my eyes might see that little bit better.

Then I saw Elliot except he didn't look like Elliot.

His blue eyes had clouded over with rage, his breath smelling heavily of alcohol and his shirt non existent.

He wasn't the Elliot that I knew.

He wasn't the Elliot that I loved.

He was _him_…

_They pushed me into the alleyway up against the brick wall._

_I screamed at the top of my lungs but I knew that no one would hear me._

_My screams turned to tiny whimpers as I realised that he wasn't letting go._

"_No…Please…Don't touch me…Please…"_

"Olivia!" He screamed at me.

"Answer me! How could you do this to me!"

I cowered.

I wasn't afraid of Elliot…I was afraid of what he'd become.

He moved closer to me.

He was closing in on me.

I had no where to go.

As my back hit the lockers I came to a realisation that Elliot would never hurt me.

I also remembered that this wasn't Elliot.

"I…I…" Fear enveloped me.

I stuttered as I tried to control my breathing.

"I…I…" Elliot said mockingly as he came closer.

He was so close to my face now.

His hot breath moistening my turned away cheek.

"What Olivia! What!"

"I haven't done anything to you! You were the one that thought I was sleeping with Fin!"

For a moment he looked taken back by my screams but then his hard demeanour returned and he placed his hand on my shoulder pushing it back into the lockers so I couldn't run.

_I couldn't move._

_I was trapped._

_The cold blade of the knife leant against my throat._

_His other hand wandered over my body._

_Violating me with his rough hands._

_His calloused flesh against my soft stomach._

_I whimpered as his hand moved higher to my breast._

_His hand viciously tore my bra from my chest._

I tried to shy away from Elliot's face.

He pinched my chin with two of his fingers so I had to look at him.

"It doesn't matter anyway…You betrayed me Olivia. I thought you loved me."

I stared into the eyes that were no longer Elliot's.

"I still do love you Elliot…" I whimpered.

His hand moved from my shoulder and I thought that he was going to let me go.

Instead it drew back and struck me across the face.

I screamed in pain while moving my hand to the inflamed cheek.

I cowered beneath his tall and masculine frame.

I sunk to the ground and curled into a tiny ball so I could protect myself from any further blows.

"Don't lie to me Olivia…Don't fucking lie to me!"

"I…I'm not lying El'." I cried.

Another blow.

This one hitting me square in the stomach.

I groaned and rolled over onto my side.

Then another blow to my face.

I felt the blood gush to my jaw.

"_No…No…No…"_

_I tried furiously o wriggle free._

_The blade was pressed further into my throat._

_I tried to scream again but nothing came out._

_Then the most feared sound of all…._

He pulled up from the ground and slammed me into the lockers.

I winced as the pain shot through my spine.

Some blood from my mouth dripped onto the floor and spattered onto Elliot's bare chest.

He pressed his masculine body up against mine.

Then his hand lowered down my body.

Once again I was defenceless.

"Elliot…No…What are you doing?" I whimpered.

His breath once again made me want to wretch and gag.

How much had he drunk?

When Elliot drank his anger became even more uncontrollable.

He paid no heed to what I'd said.

Then came the pain I'd never wanted to feel in the first place.

Especially not from Elliot…

_He entered me pushing with such great force I thought I'd tear in two._

_His grunts of passion and contempt sickened me._

_His release came quick and filled me with shame._

_I sat in the dark for what could have been minutes or even hours._

_The sticky juices running down my thighs had dried and stuck to my skin like the smell of death._

_I knew that I would never feel clean again…_

His hand was shoved inside me with so much force that my knee's buckled.

He kept trying to go deeper but my muscles contracted and wouldn't allow it.

"Elliot…P…please stop…you're hurting me…"

H just grinned and shoved deeper.

I let a cry of pain slip from my blood soaked lips.

"What's wrong Liv'? You'll let Fin touch you there but not me?" He said patronizingly.

He kept going.

I could feel myself bleeding deep inside because of his hand.

This wasn't happening.

It couldn't happen.

Not again.

Not because of someone I loved…

"Fi…Fin never touched me…" I tried to scream at him but it only came out as a whisper.

"Don't fucking lie to me!"

With that he thrust his hand in to me once more before ripping out of me.

The last thing I remember is crashing to the floor and seeing blood pool around me.

Elliot just walked away.

Then everything went dark and to be honest I wished that I'd died in that alleyway.

**A/N—I know it was very out of character but that was the point.**

**It was meant to be scary and different.**

**If you hated it leave a comment **

**If you loved it leave a comment**


	7. Scars

"Olivia..."

"OLIVIA!"

My mind was hazy and my head sore.

I couldn't see anything but a mix of blurry colours.

I groaned as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't worry Liv' the ambulance is on its way."

...

Blaring sirens made my head throb.

I felt the movement of people around me and I could hear their whispers.

My mind was hazy and all messed up like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces were all wrong.

...

My head throbbed with pain as my eyes opened to see nothing but bright light.

After a few blinks they adjusted and I could see a sleeping Cragen in the corner.

A hospital room.

I'd been here so many times before.

But I couldn't for the life of me remember why I was here this time.

I lifted up my arms and examined the yellow and purple bruises on them.

Probably just a fight with a perp.

Maybe I got knocked out.

I was so busy staring at my bruises that I didn't see Cragen wake up.

Within seconds he was at my bedside.

"What happened? I get shot again?" I laughed.

It was then that I saw Cragens worried face and my smile disappeared.

"What happened?"

Cragen reached for my hand and gave it a soft squeeze.

"You...Don't remember?" Cragen whispered as tears came to his eyes.

I stared at him uncomprehending and concerned.

"Olivia...you...you were...raped."

My eyes widened.

How did he find out?

What was the date?

"I'm so sorry I...I was going to tell you when it felt right..." I sobbed.

"Liv'...Liv' honey. So you do remember?"

"Of course I remember! I...It was in the alleyway near my apartment. It happened as I was walking home from work."

Cragen looked at me confused.

"No honey It happened at the precinct. I found you on the locker room floor."

Now I was confused.

It was then that a nurse walked in and asked to speak to Cragen.

When they walked out of the room she didn't close the door all the way.

I listened intently to what they were saying.

"I have some good news. We didn't find any semen or spermicide so either the perp couldn't get it up or she was only sexually assaulted."

"Only!" Cragen said infuriated.

"Keep your voice down! I do have some bad news though. The bruises on her arms are fresh but some of the bruises on her thighs and the ones on her stomach are at least a few weeks old and she's shown signs of vaginal tearing where the scars are still trying to heal themselves."

"What are you saying?" Cragen choked.

"I'm saying this has happened before."


	8. If only we could both forget

I lay teary eyed on my own in my hospital bed unable to remember the last day of my life.

The nurse said that in time I should remember but at this point I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

Munch, Fin and Cragen had all come to visit me and talk to me but Elliot hadn't even called.

I had half a mind to tear his head off.

When you love someone you visit them when they're hurt.

Don't you?

But maybe he didn't love me.

Maybe we were, would be and always have been friends.

Best friends at least.

But then why isn't he here with me to help figure out what happened?

...

I pounded my fists against the wall with such fury my knuckles split and began to bleed almost instantly.

What have I done!

I hurt the one person who ever truly loved me in the worst possible way.

I couldn't face her and say sorry.

I'm surprised she hadn't already named me and had me locked up by now.

Just as I was about to punch another hole in my apartment wall I heard a knock at my door.

When I opened it I found Cragen standing at my doorstep.

"Olivia's asking for you. Why haven't you been to see her?'

"But sir?" I said confused.

"Go see her. I know how much you love her and she feels the same way so go be with her now."

I grabbed my keys and decided to drive down there.

Why didn't he lock me up for what I did to her?

...

I sat on my stiff hospital bed alone when I heard my door creak open.

I looked up to see Elliot so I chucked my bedside book at him.

"Olivia I am so sorry-"

"You darn well should be! I'm lying in hospital after being assaulted and I can't remember a thing since Tuesday!"

He hesitated before hurrying over to my bedside and hugging me whispering so many sorry's in my ear.

"Elliot sure I'm peeved but you came."

It was then that he looked at me with such sadness in his eyes that I wanted to break.

I couldn't hold back anymore so I placed my slender fingers around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine.

When our lips crashed together our tongue's began to invade each other's mouths and his hands moved quickly to my waist.

This felt so right.

He was all I ever wanted.

...

This felt so wrong!

She was all I'd ever wanted.

My wildest fantasy was coming true but yet it wasn't like how I'd imagined.

It was my guilty conscience I was making out with the woman that I loved who I'd assaulted a night ago.

But she doesn't remember any of it.

Maybe this is the universe giving me a second chance with her.


	9. Lucky

I was roused from my sleep by Elliot getting of the hospital bed and heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" I whispered.

He turned back surprised that I was awake.

"I...Just have to go sort out some things."

"Work?"

"Uh yeah."

He went to leave but I stopped.

"Wait! Are...are you coming back?"

He hesitated for a moment before nodding and walking out the door.

The bed seemed so cold without him.

I was glad that we could be more than friends through this.

I don't think I'd have the courage to sleep alone for a while.

...

The night air froze me to my core but I kept walking.

Where was I going?

Not one clue.

I'd hurt her and I'd never be able to forgive myself.

I knew kissing her earlier was wrong.

Allot of the things I'd done lately were wrong...

Maybe I should tell her what happened.

But I don't think I can.

She loves me and at the moment has no reason to think otherwise.

The squad will find out eventually.

They'll see me on the security tape going into the locker rooms.

I walk for hours before I come to a decision.

I'm going to do something selfish.

I'm going to wait until I have to tell her.

Then maybe by the time she finds out she'll love me so much she won't care.

It's a risky move but either way I'll go to prison unless she doesn't press charges.

I sigh before beginning to walk the long road back to the hospital.

Maybe if I'm lucky a car will hit me on my way back.

...

"Your stitches are healing fine miss Benson." The nurse smiled at me.

"Now you have visitors. May they come in?"

I nodded and as she left Cragen and Huang walked in.

"How do you feel?" Cragen asked as he smoothed back my hair.

"Physically. Nothing I can't handle. Mentally..."

He frowned but understood.

"Hey George." I smiled.

He smiled back and smoothed a thumb over my hand.

"So what brings you here?" I ask Cragen although I already know.

He's going to say something about my case be it good or bad and then he's going to tell me I need to talk to George.

Cragen and Huang sat down on the chairs beside my bed.

"I'm afraid we're having problems."

"What kind of problems?" I croak.

"Because of the storms all of the camera's stopped working..." He says in merely a whisper.

"So we have nothing?" I say breaking a little.

"I'm sorry. But because there were no ahhh...fluids and um hairs on you and we have no tapes of who went into the locker room there's nothing but a dead end..."

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'd never find out who did this to me.

"It's o.k." I say in a merely audible whisper.

"Olivia I've come to talk to you." Huang states a few silent moments later.

"Would that be o.k.?"

I laugh.

"I don't care if I'm a victim. Don't talk to me like that."

Cragen, Huang and I all start laughing together before Cragen gets up and says his goodbyes.

When he shut the door Huang turned back to me.

"How do you feel?"

"Confused." I state simply.

"Yes. I heard you couldn't remember anything."

"Hmm..." I sigh as I lay staring at the roof.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

I look to him.

"If I don't remember anything I don't see what there is to talk about."

He only nods.

"It's nice having Elliot though." I say after a while.

George only smiles.

"It's good that you have someone to trust."

"Yeah." I sigh.

I was lucky.


	10. Starting anew

I sat beside Olivia's bedside as she was examined by the doctor.

I caught a glimpse at a few of her bruises.

Some from me...

Just like the scar on her forehead they were a constant reminder of what I'd done to her.

In the times she was in hospital she'd cried over not remembering.

Those times my gut wrenched because I was so afraid she would remember.

Other times she laughed at my attempts to cheer her up.

Those times made everything better like what I'd done never happened.

If only...

I returned to reality when the doctor said Olivia was being discharged today.

"Now it is unwise that she's home alone as she may still experience depression from the trauma and backlash from her painkillers."

Olivia frowning at first furrowed her brow at the doctor before turning to me with a hopeful look in her eyes.

I knew exactly what she was asking and it broke my heart.

She still had no idea and my guilt was really getting on me.

She trusted me and I hurt her but...she still trusted me.

This was my chance to start anew.

I would have to forget and she would simply not have to remember.

All the guilt that broiled inside me was nearly gone when I saw how much she still loved me.

It would always burden me but I could forget.

I could love...

"She can stay with me."


	11. Flashback

I watched the sweat glisten on Olivia's brow as she lifted one of the boxes up the stairs of my apartment.

"You sure this is okay El'?" She asked as she dropped the box of kitchenware on the ground.

"Of course." I smiled as I wrapped my arms around her waist playfully.

She stared up at me with a cheeky grin on her face.

"I love you." She said as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss me.

I leant down and kissed her back as she nibbled on my lip.

I could feel her smile and playful brown eyes staring at me.

"There's still more boxes at my apartment." She whispered.

"They can wait." I said as I captured her lips again.

I kicked the door closed and pushed the bandana from her head and onto the floor so that her hair fell loose and free.

I put my hand on the back of her head threading it through my fingers.

Then to her waist lifting her up.

She straddled me pushing me backwards.

I walked until I hit the couch and say down.

Pushing boxes out of the way with my feet my legs spread wide as she fell between them.

Breaking the kiss her hands slid down my chest and mine around her hips.

Her soft skin felt so nice beneath m fingers.

I twisted so I could lay her down.

I lay on top of her pushing down her shoulders.

My body yearned for her as I bit her lip.

Then suddenly she pushed me away.

She scrambled off the couch and into the bathroom.

I ran after her as she slammed the bathroom door.

The sound of soft sobs filled my quiet apartment .

"Liv'...Liv' baby I'm sorry..."

"I...It's not you I'm okay just give me a minute..." She choked.

I heard her pull some paper off the toilet roll to dry her eyes before she opened the door.

"Sorry. Flashback."

"It's okay baby. I'm here." I whispered into her hair as I held her.

I was there.

I always would be.

I still had the nagging feeling that I was the cause of her flashback...


End file.
